I’m still trying to find the loose end that’s making my whole self unravel. Maybe I ate it thinking it was spaghetti, I mean there’s so much food sneaking past my lips it wouldn’t be too hard to miss the fact that I’m actually eating myself.
We did a team building day in the office yesterday and we kind of had to draw out our life in ten minutes on a flip chart. The brief was to be completely honest…oh fuck. That’s never going to end well is it, for a girl with no filter?
I drew a heartbeat right the way across the page, kind of like a heart monitor. I put all the things that make me happy on the peaks of my heartbeat and all the things that make me sad at the lows. All my happy things were friends and family, and handbags and holidays…writing my blog and hanging out in these pages. The lows were jobs I’d hated, and general life bleurgh.
I’m so used to being freakishly honest with you lot, it felt like the most normal thing in the world to talk about food too, and how come it was riding the peaks but also lurking in the depths of the lows. The best of times and the worst of times. How it makes me happy but also very sad. How when I’m over-eating I’m happy because I’m eating, but sad at the same time because I’m not in control. And when I’m not eating I’m sad because I’m not eating but I’m happy at the same time because I am in control.
Then I looked around and realised that every other flipchart life story on the wall had life events and career paths. Mine was the only one with cake. And reading all that back doesn’t make me feel any less of a fucking basket case. I was at work, for fuck’s sake. Not here. Here I can say shit like that…probably not so much so in the office, right? Bet they’ll all be locking up their emergency biscuits from now on.
Anyway, that’s kind of how my week’s shaping up.
I’m at the gin festival on tomorrow with my boy…I’m going to make that my last day of fuckery. I bought him the tickets as part of his Christmas present and we’ll have a really good laugh and hopefully try some artisan gins and specialist tonics. I have no doubt that we’ll stagger home on the train feeling three sheets to the wind and food will definitely be consumed so there’s not even any point in pretending that today will go according to plan.
But Sunday, with you lot chomping at my heels and making me listen to good sense…well. I’m going for a reboot. I so want to pull it off and get back to a world where my every waking thought doesn’t involve food. Or even if it does, a world where I can stick my fingers in my ears and ignore the Asshole voice.
Not before time, in fact way overdue…
Exactly! I couldn’t have said it more eloquently myself 🙂 no more dicking around!!!
You don’t have to give up everything you love to eat forever. Just put off some of the not so healthy things until tomorrow. Then do it again. Eventually a tomorrow will come in which you will allow yourself a sensible amount. Just today is all you need be concerned with.
*sighs*…one day Mimi, I might stop being an ‘all or nothing’ kinda girl!
Okay, I’m on board with you and Lesley. I’m gaining every day and it has to stop. However, I’m a Monday girl 🙂 so I will start then. See you Monday.
Yep, c’mon Jo it’s time to stop dicking around, right? Lets go get ’em tiger 🙂
i feel awkward commenting on something so personal , having never actually met you- but i’ve followed your blog for some time now, and if we were sitting having coffee i would say this – I’m wondering if it isn’t actually awesome that you were vulnerable at work, and shared this piece with them. You’ve mentioned you love your job, but also mentioned the trips and especially the commute – having a long commute myself i can relate and must tell you how much it affects my ability to make good choices – adding that time makes you me tired and increases stress – combination for disaster .
you’ve also mentioned the copious amounts of bad food that’s brought in there – i’m just wondering if having an additional support system at work might not be a good thing- i’m a bit of someone who ‘overshares’ and the interesting thing is, 9 times out of 10 someone i didn’t expect will come up to me and thanks me / as my struggles might mirror their struggles ;and i guarantee you, if there are any secret AA folks- they’ll feel a kinship .
in my mind you didn’t get up on a table in the middle of a budget meeting and tell everyone about your struggle- you took a task that was asked of you, and were deep and truthful – There is such vulnerability in that but such beauty. And i hope it opens up a few unexpected doors of deeper connections for you at the place you spend the majority of your life.
Sending love and strength across the miles
Ah Christine, what a lovely message, thank you! I’m very open about the fact that I have food issues but to be fair it wouldn’t take Sherlock Holmes to deduce it anyway because I behave like a weirdo around food! I appreciate your support, thank you 🙂
Yep! I too, have been gulity of oversharing. Shrug it off and let’s get going. I’m with you, Sunday it is. No more fannying about. No more lurking. Acountability all the way. Hmm, that doesn’t sound like me at all!! Ha ha! Will you be rejoining us at MFP? No pressure!
I think I’m going to try to ease myself in with weight watchers first Lesley. I also bought a book that one of you guys recommended so I’m going in for a pincer movement…I’ll let you guys know what I think!
“Mine is the only one with [chow funn]” aarrrgghh.
Basketry must be a prerequisite for riding with the posse. Weigh, don’t weigh, or weigh blindfolded as if stood up before a firing squad. But you do not stop. Grapple with a nice, coherent Food Plan for at least PART of the day. As many times as you can. Today. Auntie Mimi says, wrassle with today. Cannot live this day plus tomorrow, so leave tomorrow for tomorrow. (I believe her).
p.s. Oooooh, gin dizzeyland? You guys know how to have a good time…!
Can’t wait Fleury!
So do I Fleury. I still feel bilious this morning from supper last night and my body is on overload. I’m ready for this to be over!
Welcome home, Dee. That thought is all it takes. xom
🙂 🙂