My friend messaged me yesterday morning to ask how my day was going, just as I was contemplating a shrink-wrapped quartet of Hot Cross Buns. It was a little after nine in the morning, and whilst her question may well have been wrapped up in a pleasantry, in our triumvirate of accountability and support we would’ve all recognised the real question as what have you eaten so far today…? Come on girls, tell me I’m wrong.
It seems I was destined not to get a good run at the Hot Cross Buns. I broke open the pack and somehow only lifted two out. Obviously your average skinny girl would break a sweat at the prospect of eating two whole Hot Cross Buns but I’m here to tell you that on any given day over that last few weeks I’d have been all over all four of the little feckers in a heartbeat. But I stopped at two. Which I’m claiming as a victory if you don’t mind, on the basis that it’s a very small degree of change but it’s progress all the same. It wasn’t four.
I still haven’t been on the scale. I’m just not ready. It’s like this great big shitbird cloud of doom hiding in the bathroom waiting to spoil my day. My old cat used to spread all four legs wide if he got a whiff of even the slightest chance we were about to try and encourage him into the cat carrier and I appear to have adopted a similar mentality where the scale is concerned. I’ll do anything to avoid it. You’re all telling me to bite the bullet and get it over with and I know I should but it’s just not happening.
I’ve at least stopped binging though and that’s got to count for something, right? I’m not doing all the right things but at least I’ve stopped doing all the wrong things on a constant loop. My eating wasn’t bad yesterday, it just wasn’t good. Hot Cross Buns for breakfast, cheese on toast for lunch and then chicken and jacket potato for supper followed by a cereal bar. Yes, way too many carbs and nothing green. But no chocolate. And only one cereal bar.
Well, there was only one in the cupboard but hey I need the kudos. I didn’t haul my ass to the shop to buy more, and last week I definitely would’ve so it’s something, you know?
I get a sense that my world is slowly tipping the right way up in spite of myself. I know I’ve got this massive cradle of support around me and I’m thankful. My mailbox has been off the chart busy this week and I’ve got advice and tips and me toos coming from every direction. What’s been especially lovely is the number of folk in the posse who’ve joined the regular voices and popped up with a few encouraging words for the first time, it’s like you’ve all given each other the nod and together you’re trying to carry me over this rough patch.
Just don’t carry me to that fucking scale…not yet. Don’t make me do it. I will…just not yet.
Dee, thanks so much for the post.Really thank you! Great.
You’re welcome … are you struggling too? You’re not alone 🙂
That sh*tbird scale shouldn’t have ANY power over you: you are stronger than it. Believe it. (And then get on the scale. You don’t have to ‘report’ it here.) We’ve ALL been were you are. The scale is not a judge. We are not judges. You do, however, judge yourself, and I suspect that judgement is way, way, way harsher and meaner than is helpful. Be kind to yourself– you are so worth it.
I know M, that you lot won’t judge me. And standing on the scale wouldn’t make me feel any worse than I do right now…but I just can’t. I’m still avoiding eye contact 🙁
Heya all, how do we even know this is the real Dee? It sure doesn’t sound like her. Perhaps she was hijacked by pirates. Have there been any ransom demands?.. xom
Haha Margaret I’m very much the real me…I think the imposter might have been the Dee who thought she was in control of all this food fuckery for the last two and a half years. I want that one back!
I like Paula’s suggestion. And I will tell you what I do when the wheels come off– as they do to all of us at times: I fake it until I make it. I mean, I start pretending I’m the other Margaret, acting like her until it brings me to my senses. (It may also help that I’m in California and we are world famous posers anyway?) Also, if you go read the archives of longtime bloggers, you will see that this is a land that each and every one passed through: call it regain canyon.( X Here be dragons.) But you can see the horizon, Dee, and it’s getting closer everyday; keep going. Sanity always returns and lasts because at the end of the day, it feels good. Food fuckery the reverse. xom
Ooooh Margaret I can just picture you sashaying down Sunset Blvd with your roller skates on and a bit of lycra with them California girls! Regain Canyon, right? That sounds about it 🙂
Perhaps you need another goal to go for, such as with Cuba. Something firm to get your mind around. It can help.
Yes, Mimi they just released the overseas challenge this year and it’s India! I would’ve loved to have gone but I can’t make the dates, I’m gutted!
Glad you are back! Cracking up at the cat avoiding the carrier picture. Well Lord knows I haven’t been a success story in a long time weight wise, but just for now, if you truly can’t bear to get on the scale (me either) how about another way to measure your progress until you get back in the swing. Like measure your waist or how your pants (trousers!) are fitting? Clothes are a good indicator of gain/loss which is why I can always be found in yoga pants.
Ohhh yes that well known designer, Lucy Lastic!
And I am with you too! The scale drives me absolutely nuts!!! Could someone help you with a blind weigh in???? At least it will be documented and you can reveal it when you are more ready?? But I do have to say that facing the music may be what you really need to get back in the game. Take care my friend!
Yes I’m sure my friend would help me with a blind weigh in…I’ll ask her as soon as I make it off the naughty step!
Oh, I’m so with you on this! There must be something in the air. I’m failing on all counts here. I know what to do, I know how to do it, but DO I? Nope. At least you only had two. As far as I’m concerned, you take that victory and run it up the flagpole. I’m hoping it’s the time of year, horrible February….
Oh Lesley welcome to the naughty corner! It’s officially spring next week isn’t it and I’m hoping to be back on track by then. She says… 🙂