So as expected I wasn’t exactly beating the crowds away this morning as I opened my eyes on St Valentine’s day. My letterbox remains decidedly empty (get your mind out of the gutter right now y’hear?) and there will be no cards displayed on my mantlepiece this year, along with no flowers and no heart-shaped chocolates.
But you know what, I’m kind of okay with that. I mean, don’t get me wrong, it would be lovely to have someone to adore me and spoil me rotten…I lived for many years wishing and hoping that the one bloke who was one hundred percent right for me would hurry the fuck up and make himself known whilst I’ve still got all my own teeth.
Thing is, he didn’t. So I sort of checked out, you know? After three false starts and an endless stream of also-rans in between, I eventually decided I was safer on my own. With one or two notable exceptions, my relationship history is a car crash of the highest order and all the people in my life who give a damn just find it easier to sleep at night when I’m single.
If you read the blog post Magic Me Skinny Please you’ll know that for a while I saw a therapist who did her level best to poke around in the corners of my head. I was hoping she might hand me some answers to the question of why I couldn’t seem to get a grip on my lifelong habit of yo-yo dieting. And somehow in the middle of all that we took a detour to the subject of relationships and how they had affected, or been affected by my broken relationship with food.
What I realised for the first time ever, was that there is definitely a clear connection between those two things. With only a couple of minor deviations it sort of went like this: Single –> get skinny –> get a bloke –> stop dieting whoop whoop –> get fat –> relationship on skids –> single again –> get skinny…and repeat, on an endless loop.
Now, I’m not saying that all my relationships ended because I got fat, that’s not true. The fact that I have a habit of being attracted to blokes with…let’s just say ‘their own issues’ is a major factor, as is my tendency to believe everything in life has the potential to be a fairy tale despite glaringly obvious clues to the contrary.
But I don’t think I’ve ever exited a relationship wearing the same size clothes that I was wearing when cupid’s arrow first struck, so that tells me a lot. Mind you, hands up who’s ever hit Friday unable to get into the pants that fitted on Monday? Not just me then.
Days like this, when I wake up to an endless roll-call of Facebook updates showing off cards and flowers and quirky gestures from people who’ve nailed the whole spouseville thing make me wistful. But I also know I need to be fiercely protective of this food sobriety. It has to remain my utter focus until I reach Skinny Town and beyond...I can’t take my heart off the shelf until I’ve earned my staying there stripes. No room in my life for St Valentine, not this year and probably not next.
My dog loves me, and my boy and my mum and my friends love me. And I love them all back, in spades. I love you guys too. Best of all I’m starting to love me. That’s a lot of love. No hearts and flowers necessary, right? I’ve got the important stuff down 🙂
ps…have you noticed that we’ve had our first guest spot blog post..? You can read it here…
I have a lovely husband. I gave him permission to give me chocolates, thinking a small quantity of high quality. He gave me more than half a kilogram of the good stuff! It’s like a fish bowl full of Lindor balls! So any weight gain is his fault.
Who am I kidding, if I was single I would have just bought it for myself.
OMG half a kilo of chocolate..? Dear Lord I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night! I’d be pacing up and down in front of that goldfish bowl going bat shit crazy!
Raises hand because I’ve spent many Fridays not being able to button the jeans I wore Monday.
I’m glad you’re learning to love thyself. It’s the most important kind of love. Second important is loving a dog, in my opinion 🙂
Oh lady, you are IN! My pooch holds my heart in his furry little paws 🙂
Being single has many advantages, and especially it has advantages over being with the wrong one.
Yep! Been there a few times!
Happy Valentine’s day Dee. I just went out to lunch with my son and his family. My granddaughter gave me some chocolates. I groaned inwardly. I told my son “I promised Dee I would post my weight loss tomorrow”. So now that chocolate is beckoning me. I’ve made myself a cup of 25 calorie hot chocolate to take the craving away (fat chance). So just think if you had a boyfriend you would be in the same boat as me – trying not to eat all the chocolate grrh. See, there’s always a positive spin to these things 🙂
Ha yes because me an’ the posse, we’re fierce! Step away from the chocolates 🙂 You’re absolutely right, it’s not the main reason I’m single but definitely worth being added to the list! Good luck for tomorrow 🙂
Dee, Happy excuse for a bunch of flowers & a glass of rosé Day! I enjoy your post & the funny twist on romance. While we’re in the neighborhood, don’t you resent the holidays that have been legislated as emotional observances? Something certifiably Romantic on Valentine’s Day, or else! I mean, you are muddling along in enviable domestic harmony until early February, then the pressure’s on. If you’re dating, Christmas & New Year’s loom! Who made THAT a litmus test?!?
When the relationship is going along fine & is more or less proof against this sort of highjacking, you have the luxury of blowing off the long-stemmed roses.
My boy calls it a Hallmark holiday! You’re right of course 🙂
Hallmark holiday! He’s witty like you, bless him. Best to all, & Jo, step away from them chocolates! … Just figure out how you can shoehorn a couple of them into the coming days, & look forward to having a smidgen of Heaven while burnishing up your halo. Fleury
Tell you what Fleury, he is…often I daren’t catch his eye or we’re both off in fits of giggles 🙂
Oh Fleury, I wish I could say I stepped away from the chocolates, sigh…
I managed to hold it together until about 7pm and then I kept thinking they will still be there tomorrow and tomorrow is Monday and if I don’t eat them now they will screw up the whole week….. All nonsense but that’s my screwed up thinking/justification.
So as of Friday I was down 2.2lbs, this morning after the chocolate indulgence (and a piece of toast because I had already screwed up so why not) I am only down .2! I know intellectually I didn’t really gain 2lbs but I’m embarrassed that I have to post .2 as my weekly loss.
Oh well, today is a new day right?
Do you know what, I think that’s a conspiracy amongst asshole voices, my own has used that exact same argument with me countless times! You’re right, today is a new day. You’re skinnier today than you were last Monday, so forget about yesterday’s bump in the road, and focus on this time next week…you’ll be skinnier again, right? D x
Happy Valentine’s Day. I totally get it. I’m much happier and loving life on my own, as a single parent with my daughter, 2 cats and living life my own way.
Here’s to being happy being you.
Hi Karen, lovely to meet you! And yes, I’ll drink to that 🙂 🙂