Monthly Archives: November 2015

Programming The Roots

Freeform thoughts, In the here & now,

Tree-with-Roots

There was an article in the paper over last weekend, about the fact that for some folk, the craving for junk food is in their genes, hard-wired into their body if you like. As always with pieces like this, my first instinct is to fold my arms, nod profusely and say ‘I told you so‘ to anyone who’ll listen. Then I remember I’m over making excuses, and come back down to earth with a bump.

I’m always curious to know whether this is journalistic license, or whether the smarts who churn out these theories genuinely think it’s so, but either way you know me well enough by now to realise where I spy an opportunity to take the piss out of the more outlandish ones, I’ll take full advantage.

It’s a funny one is this though, when you think about it. There is something in the fact that your attitude, thoughts and feelings about food are kind of hardwired into you – I’m not sure it’s genetic, although I’ve definitely referred to it in the past as being part of my DNA, which boils down to the same thing – on reflection I think as something that’s at the root of my whole belief system, if it’s hard-wired anywhere, it has to be in my psyche. And I even understand why…see, all those sessions with the hookie spooky lady didn’t go to waste.

When I think back to all the food related messages I got from my mum in my formative years, they all involved eating everything on my plate, leave stuff and there’ll be no pudding (which as a two year old with a sweet tooth was the equivalent of my world ending) not to mention the starving children in Africa who would be grateful for the meal I might be trying to get out of eating. K mentioned on the blog last Saturday that she’d had similar emotionally driven messages from her Grandfather…I think we’ve all been there.

And my mum’s answer to anything from a skinned knee to a fall-out with a friend involved eating something to make me feel better so again, it’s how I learned to cope with anything that hurt. I’m not blaming my mum per se…there comes a point as an adult where you take responsibility for your own shit you know? All I’m saying is that if I’d grown up hearing you can have some of that but too much of it is bad for you, or food is the fuel that makes your body work but make sure you only eat ’till you’re full, the stuff baked into my psyche might have been slightly less destructive than it’s turned out to be.

There was a great response to the article from a bloke in the states which I took the liberty of pinching to share with you…

“I am hardwired to want fat and sugar, (really, who isn’t?) but I developed my own software (willpower) to govern it. The more you use your software, the easier it becomes.”

He’s not wrong! That is such a great way of looking at it I was compelled to adopt it immediately. A tekkie friend of mine once told me that software was the bit you plugged into the hardware to make the hardware do what you wanted it to do. So that being the case, no matter how far down in my roots those beliefs reside, I have the software to re-programme them, and so do you.

Anyone seen the manual lying around..?

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Hug Your People Close Today

Biggest struggles, ,

France

As I sit down with my morning coffee to write today’s post I just can’t find it in myself to be my usual bright, breezy and curious self having woken up to the tragic and senseless news coming out of France this morning. It’s hard to make sense of something I just don’t understand, and when I think about how much I wrestle with the relatively uncomplicated issues which make my wheels wobble one way or the other, comprehending what lies beneath something of this magnitude isn’t something I can even hope to wrap my head around.

All I know is I want to hug all my important people close today and tell them just how much they are loved. It makes me more determined than ever to wring every last drop of joy and hope  out of this life, chase down every dream and fulfil everything I hope to achieve. Make a difference where I can, and embrace every opportunity that I’m lucky enough to be given. Life is precious, and I hope that the despicable bastards who took all those lives yesterday, or were in cahoots with, or in support of those who did, see only a strengthening of the human spirit.

It reminds me of a very dark time in my own life. In my early thirties I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer, and there was a period of time, maybe eight weeks or so between two of the surgeries I needed where nobody could tell me whether or not it was too advanced to treat. I’m here to tell you that you work through an awful lot of shit in your mind when you’re staring your own mortality right between the eyes. Most of my thoughts of course were about my boy. Who would love him as much as I did, watch him grow into a man…always have his back and be in his corner no matter what. God, the tears are flowing freely even as I write this, just remembering how that felt.

Thoughts turned also to the regrets I had about my life at that point. It’s worth noting that all those regrets centred not around any of the really daft stuff I’d done in my life, or mistakes I’d made…every one of them related to missed opportunities that I hadn’t grabbed with both hands because I was too busy, or too scared of how it might turn out, or just too ready to believe that I had all the time in the world. It’s the biggest cliche to say that some three years later, when I could breathe easily again knowing that I’d won the fight, the grass seemed greener, the sky bluer and the air lighter and sweeter than ever. But it’s true.

My thoughts today are with all the people personally affected by what happened yesterday. In honour of them, my determination to live the richest life I can is renewed. It’s rare that I make two posts in one day, but in addition to the scheduled post, I wanted to reach out and send love, support and gratitude to everyone in our BOTSG community…for me, it’s that kind of day x

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My Round Tuits.

Freeform thoughts, In the here & now,

tuitWhen I was little, I thought round tuits were real things…my mother seemed to hold them in really high esteem, in fact it seemed like they were her answer to everything. Whenever she wanted to do something, or had something she needed fixing, or a job she needed sorting she mentioned that she was going to get one, to the point where this mystical thing seemed like it held the promise of greatness. Obviously the illusion was shattered when I realised that what it actually meant was ‘I’m going to pull my finger out of my bum and get on with stuff’.

As it happens, I’ve got several round tuits of my own stacked up in a holding pattern, and it’s dawned on me that now I’m officially more than halfway through my allocated life slot, I’d better get a wriggle on. I’ve talked before, in the post ‘Waiting to be Skinny’ about putting things on hold because I wanted to enjoy them without the distraction of being fat, but there are some things where being fat wouldn’t distract from the enjoyment – rather the opposite in fact, the enjoyment in what I’m doing would more than likely distract my attention away from the fat suit.

There’s a programme on TV at the moment called The Great Pottery Throw Down, which is basically The Great British Bake Off but instead of baking stuff they’re making stuff out of clay. It reminded me that I’ve always fancied having a go at making something on a potter’s wheel – I think I first took a liking to the idea when Demi Moore got her groove on with the delicious Mr Swayze in the film Ghost, but whilst her potter’s wheel looked like it totally belonged in a fabulous loft apartment in New York, as a teenager I could never quite imagine how I’d pull it off in my mum’s lounge in West Yorkshire.

Anyway, I digress – despite the lack of a gorgeous half naked man providing an extra pair of hands, I was reminded how much fun it looked so this is one of my round tuits that I’m going to blow the dust off and explore. I’ve made a small note to myself not to get carried away – I do have a tendency to get a bit too enthusiastic about stuff, and if I’m not careful I’ll get to the end of the weekend and find that I’ve won a kiln and three tons of clay on eBay.

Learning to sail is another one of my round tuits, although I suspect that’s best left on the shelf until I’m in a position to nip out of Skinny Town for lessons on the weekend…being fit and active is kind of a prerequisite for that one and wearing a life jacket on top of the fat suit might be a bit much.

You know what else I had..? Writing. Imagine that. A round tuit that just happened after north of thirty years on the round tuit shelf.  And I’ve got to be honest, it’s proved to be an amazing way of taking my head into a different place. I’ve found myself looking around beyond the end of my own nose, for things to chat to you guys about, as well as tipping out various thoughts and feelings for forensic examination. I’m loving the process and bless you for indulging me by reading the words and offering up thoughts of your own. Ironically, writing about being fat sort of takes my mind off the fact that I am fat…go figure!

So I’ve shared mine…out of curiosity, what are yours..?

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My Fifty Year Fitness Goal

Freeform thoughts, In the here & now, ,

set goal, make plan, work, stick to it, reach goal - a success concept presented with colorful sticky notes

So you know how every now and again you read something that really resonates with you, and at the same times inspires you to think that maybe, just maybe if you put the hours in you can pull something similar off yourself..? I just read Jan Bono’s latest guest post on the Cranky Fitness blog, and I’m here to tell you that as I sit here with my morning coffee and toast, having just read it for the second time, it’s really got me. Real tears and everything, both times…I mean come on, even E.T only got me once.

I posted a link to the story on my ‘interesting stuff’ page for anyone who’s curious but in a nutshell Jan dropped over 240lbs, and went on to make the leap from struggling to walk from her house to her car, to completing a 10k event. The post is about how she felt as she was doing it, and afterwards. I’ve had to have a word with myself this morning, I was chomping at the bit to pull on my walking boots and set off.

Given that I’m nearer the house/car end of the spectrum with a shedload of weight to lose, I need a plan of action to prevent the inevitable walk of shame back from the end of my road after the penny drops that I’m not quite ready yet to go the whole hog. Something like that definitely needs more than my usual ‘spectacles, testicles, wallet & watch’ approach to planning, as in it needs to start way before I’m getting ready to leave the house.(For the avoidance of doubt, my balls are purely metaphorical, just in case anyone wondered!)

So my thoughts turned to what it is that I’d like to do…what’s the thing I’m going to aim for, plan and train for..? Imagine that, me in training for something. It’s proving a challenge in itself just wrapping my head around that one. I need some time to think about it, because I want it to mean something, you know?  But I will come back to you on that, because along with my BHAG in terms of longer term weight control, and my short and medium term milestones I can see a hole opening up in my overall plan for a fitness goal, and this would fit the bill perfectly.

With immaculate timing, another of our posse (also called Jan funnily enough, do you think there’s a conspiracy amongst Jans to focus my mind..?!) suggested to me yesterday that I check out the Nerd Fitness blog post about taking the first small step in terms of getting fitter. Interesting food for thought – again I’ve shared it on my page. I’ve never ever tried tackling both diet and fitness at the same time. The asshole in my mind is currently having an utter meltdown that I might even be considering such a thing…he’s on the ropes where my eating plan is concerned given my level of focus and resolve, but he knows I’m on less sure footing where the whole fitness thing is concerned so his voice is loud and persistent. One at a time, get the weight down first so nothing hurts as much…

In the spirit of full disclosure, it’s what I want to hear you know? Sounds much easier and less painful so he’s kind of pushing on an open door. But setting a longer term fitness goal and building a plan might just give me the impetus to drown out his voice and get cracking. I’ve already started my extra walk a day with Charlie the dog, although to be honest the wheels came off a bit last week with not feeling too hot. It doesn’t feel like a habit yet either, but I’m sure I’ll get there.

How does the saying go..? You don’t have to be great before you can take the first step, but you have to take the first step before you can be great. I’m still trying to break free of these concrete boots 🙂

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Bending The Budget

Freeform thoughts, In the here & now, , ,

budget deficit - recession 3d conceptSo I’ve got to hold my hands up and say that I’ve never been really good at budgeting. Cue hysterical laughter from anyone who knows me – I’m the ultimate ‘champagne lifestyle on a prosecco income’ kind of girl. Always have been. My mum was exactly the same…I always remember the twinkle she’d have in her eye when she showed off a new purchase, usually accompanied by the words, ah I was just looking but the devil got behind me and pushed! So I’m very familiar with that feeling, you know when there’s just too much month left at the end of the money..? But then hey, that’s what credit cards are for, right?

I’ve never gotten myself into a situation I haven’t been able to unpick, but lets just say my bank manager lives on his nerves, and I’ve probably contributed more than most to his permanently furrowed brow and sweaty disposition.

I get it though. I understand why I love to spend. When my boy was small and I scratched a living as a single mum, money was really tight and I had no choice but to be really careful. He never went without, although I often did, but that’s almost beside the point – I became really good at creative accounting. Robbing Peter to pay Paul…borrowing from the fuel budget to buy food, paying for fuel from the Christmas fund and reallocating everything back to square the circle as soon as my work bonus dropped in.

Somehow I always got by, but I never felt like I had it all figured out, I was just good at juggling that’s all. I got away with it. In more recent times, money hasn’t been quite so tight and my splurges have grown in tandem with my income but somehow I’ve continued to sail close to the wind and get away with it,  often by the skin of my teeth before every now and again getting a reality check and properly pulling my belt in, spending virtually nothing until I’ve stepped back from the edge and got my financial ducks back in a row.

Thing is, my attitude towards my food budget has often followed a similar path. When I say food budget, I mean the amount of points or calories or whatever I’m counting on my diet of choice. Let me give you an example…lets imagine I’ve got 1200 calories a day…that’s what, 8400 a week? Woohoo!! Monday Tuesday Wednesday is open season, going great. Thursday and Friday there’s looking like a bit too much week left at the end of the calories but it’ll be ok, I can cut back a bit. Saturday and Sunday I can manage on a few leaves of spinach and half a walnut, it’s all good.

Tell you what, I’ll just borrow a few from next week’s calorie budget, if I even it out across the week I’ll hardly notice…Monday Tuesday go ok, Wednesday and Thursday it’s looking a bit sparse but it’s ok…I’ve still got half a bag of spinach and a slice of ham to see me over the weekend…and repeat. It doesn’t compute you know? It appears that I have to be stricter, more disciplined…more in control of my food budget than I’m used to being with my spending of anything else, ever.

Marry that with my food addiction issues, a tendency to binge and my asshole diet logic, and that boys and girls is called the perfect storm. Even now, from my pole position within the sweet spot, wholly committed to the cause and with the posse shoring up my backbone, faced with a buffet at work yesterday I was acutely conscious of the asshole’s twisted calculations going on in my head. How much of it could I get down my neck, if I just ring fenced a couple of points for supper…if I eat fifteen sausage rolls now I probably won’t be hungry later on anyway, right?

I overloaded on the buffet, and scraped through the rest of the day without blowing my points budget but I could have eaten a scabby donkey by the time my head hit the pillow last night…within plan, just, but not a sensible balanced disciplined choice of food spread throughout the day. Far the opposite…feast, then famine. So…where to spend, where to save and how to budget remains work in progress.

Unless it involves blowing my budget on a new handbag obviously…then the gloves are off 🙂

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