Monthly Archives: October 2015

Hurting You, Pleasing Me

Biggest struggles, Freeform thoughts, ,

 

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So we’ve had the most amazing trip. I’ve made some awesome memories and one of the nights in particular will stay with me always…early cocktails on the terrace of the Skyfall Lounge watching the sun set and seeing Las Vegas come alive, followed by dinner on the terrace of Olives restaurant at The Bellagio, whilst their fountains danced right in front of us…it was magical.

This was day two. Bearing in mind how flexible the weight watchers food plan is, up to that point I had felt completely in charge of me…keeping track of points when you’re constantly being offered things where you can only estimate point values – like the airline meals for example – is always going to be a challenge. But you’ve got to eat, on an 11 hour flight, right?  And when you cross time zones and end up with an extra 8 hours in your day you kind of have to adjust stuff, mess around with your budget a bit.

I took a balanced approach…accepting a little pot of ice-cream with the movie on the flight felt okay because I’d refused a bread roll and chosen not to eat desserts and cake with the meal…not perfect, but given the asshole’s campaign to make me forget the diet for the duration of the trip I felt I was firmly in control of my choices. So I was doing ok.

But going back to our memorable night..getting a table on the terrace at the Skyfall Lounge is a privilege reserved for a very chosen few. My friends had made the reservation weeks in advance, emailing details about the fact we were celebrating a milestone birthday to help get it in the bag, and so there we were…pre-dinner cocktails with the best view in town. Amazing. And then the manager rocked up with a surprise birthday cake bomb which he proceeded to souse in limoncello, cover with two huge dollops of whipped cream and present to me with a flourish. What a lovely gesture…but man oh man, I’d quietly made skinny food choices all day, trying to juggle stuff so I could fit all the planned treats in, including cocktails and a special dinner.

So do I say ‘thanks but no thanks’, and throw the gesture back in his face, or do I eat it as he’s standing there expectantly, having just presented the fat lady who is clearly no stranger to cake with the best boozy creamy cake ever. Let’s look at the evidence…I’m a people pleaser. I do in fact love cake. And limoncello. And cream! And they’re all on a plate together in front of me, an unexpected gesture made by someone who wanted to do a nice thing, just for me. And the asshole in my mind is on it like a car bonnet…you ungrateful cow, of course you have to eat it…it would be totally rude not to, he’s trying to make your birthday treat extra special, you’ll look ridiculous if you make a fuss and say you don’t want it…

Dilemma. And bugger me, fast forward a few hours…we’d had a magical dinner, again, seats on the Olives restaurant terrace are really difficult to engineer since everybody wants them yet they aren’t bookable in advance. We got really lucky, and the evening was made more enjoyable still by our waiter Paul, who was utterly charming, and just wanted us to have an awesome time. And would you bloody believe it, after my carefully chosen meal he arrived at the table with profiteroles with a Happy Birthday piped in chocolate and birthday candles, just for me, thinking he was going to make my evening extra special.

Again with the dilemma…and again with the asshole who by this time of course was hopping up and down like Rumplestiltskin screaming don’t be rude just eat it and be thankful for the lovely gesture, don’t even think about saying no! Once again I’m faced with Hobson’s choice…put someone’s feelings before my own and risk the wheels coming off my food plan…or put myself first and hurt their feelings. Twice in one otherwise perfect night!

So…over to you guys. What do you reckon happened..? And what would you have done in my place..? Bear in mind, I’m not perfect and I’m navigating the road to skinny town the best way I can…I’ll share the outcome tomorrow but I’m curious as to how you all would have reacted ?

 

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A New Habit Is Born

In the here & now, , ,

habit-2

I’ve been thinking more you know, about what we talked about yesterday – my love of the armchair and lack of inclination to exercise…it’s really not on is it? You all shared some interesting perspectives and I thank you for that…it helps. I get it. I can’t have a hissy fit at the bitch in the bathroom if I’m not keeping up my end of the bargain, and if me and my love of food are going to find a way to rub along inside a skinny body, limiting food intake is never going to be enough all on its own. So I guess I just need to take the bull by the horns. I don’t want to, but wanting to want to is chewing away at me like an irritating wasp flying around my head.

I’ve been in negotiations with the asshole in my mind for the last couple of days. I’m here to tell you whilst he’s starting to give me less grief about what I’m eating, he’s gone in hard on this one – why don’t you get 50lbs off first before you think about getting more active, if you try now everything will hurt ten times more, you work really long hours and you don’t deserve to ache from head to toe because you’re pushing yourself too hard when you’re going to be losing weight anyway if you’re eating the right things…

If you’re of a sensitive disposition, you might want to cover your ears for a moment.

Sod off Asshole, with your bad karma…I’m NOT LISTENING   fu

It strikes me that motivation is step one of changing a habit, even if it’s not a habit you really want to change. Knowing it’s something you need to change combined with really, really wanting the outcome that forming a different habit will bring is as good a starting point as any other, would you agree? There’s a bloody mountain of information out there about how long it takes to form a new habit and a number of differing views. I posted a link to one of the better ones on my interesting stuff page. But what all those clever people with letters after their name seem to agree on is this; if what you’re trying to adopt as a habit is easy, it will become habitual much more quickly than if what you’re trying to do is hard.

So. This is where I got to with my negotiations. There’s nothing to stop me continuing my love affair with the armchair, providing that’s not all I do every day after work, right? Now before you get giddy I’m not proposing that I go for like a 5k run every evening, or get up close and personal with some kettle bells – I want curing not killing – but I could do something manageable, and build up my stamina slowly. So here’s what’s going to happen after I get back from my trip…every day when I get in from work, I’m going to clip Charlie’s lead on and go walk him for half an hour. It’s an extra walk in the day for him, (he spends 3 hours romping through the fields every day with all his four-legged friends in doggy day-care whilst I’m at work) and it’s half an hour’s walk per day that I don’t normally have. So it counts…every little counts.

So I’ve said it out loud now…shared it with you guys. I’m accountable. That’s going to be a new part of my daily routine…rain or shine (yeah way to go with the timing Dee, with winter just around the corner, doofus) and I’ll turn it into a habit if it kills me. Which to be fair it very well might 🙂 But I’m going to persevere. I’ve walked far more on this trip than I have in a while…ankles are stiff, knee is sore but you know what, I’m on it.

I’ll keep you posted as to how many times it takes before it feels like a habit instead of a chore…together we can see just how much these experts really know!

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Wanting To Want To

Freeform thoughts, In the here & now,

Pet hamster holding a blank white sign on a stick as an advertising and marketing concept with a cute mouse like mammal with a smile communicating an important Veterinary or Veterinarian related message.

One of the benefits that I’m finding in writing all my mixed up thoughts down and pulling them into the kind of order that makes it possible for other people to read, is the clarity I’m uncovering for myself.  I’ve never approached this as a ‘Dear Diary’ blog given that I doubt anyone but me would be remotely interested in the general titter and shit of my life – I’ve tried to take the seed of an idea in each post and kind of kick it about out loud so I understand where I land with my perspective.

That seems to be switching on a few lightbulbs as we go along…for me as much as anyone. And it’s good to take one thought at a time, and really dissect it. A bit like when they used to make you chop up a frog in the science lab at school so you could see what was inside, just a bit less messy. So following on from me identifying my big hairy audacious skinny goal, I need to unpick some of the habits that could make the wheels come off. After all, any good strategy needs to keep sight of the likely bumps in the road in order to plan for them, right? In the context of dieting where broken choices and bad habits have gotten me into this mess, I need to be able to call out the difference between routine, and habit.

I guess for me, routine is the framework of my life. I get up, I go to work, I come home…I take care of my mum, feed the dog, hang out with my boy…all those things are fairly routine because they need to happen to keep life ticking along. I suppose there’s no such thing as a good or a bad routine, sure some are more fun than others but they’re fairly easy to change if they’re not working for you. Habits are something different. In my mind, I see habits as the angels or demons that live within your routine…they’re either rootin’ for you or pulling against you. And where bad habits are concerned, the asshole in my mind is right behind the wheel.

Told you he operated by stealth didn’t I..? I think it was Zig Ziglar who said that all bad habits start slowly and gradually and before you know you have the habit, the habit has you…that’s so true. Trouble is, some of these bad habits are destructive, yet comforting at the same time, you know? Think about it. I get in from work, knackered..long day, busy busy busy…hauling 300lbs of body around equates to not much energy left, aching back, swollen feet. I look forward all day to climbing into pyjamas, sinking into the armchair with the dog on my knee and eating something (or several somethings) as I watch TV and relax.

And yet. That’s one of the worst habits I have that I need to break. I know that…it’s not doing me any good. Being completely sedentary in my down-time is not encouraging my buns to shrink and although I’m in the sweet spot and I’m completely in control of my food choices, this is where the asshole is still in control of the route map. But from where I’m standing right now, I don’t want to break that habit – there. I’ve said it. I look forward to that moment all day long!  What I want, is to want to want to break the habit…and therein lies the rub. That’s a different thing altogether.

Let me chew on that a bit longer.  I have some thoughts, and I’ll write more tomorrow. And if anyone cares to share what helped them want to want to change something they didn’t want to change I’m all ears 🙂

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Keeping The Wheels On

Biggest struggles, In the here & now, ,

wheelI mentioned in a post recently about scrubbing my teeth with an overloaded toothbrush when I was wrestling with a craving, and I got a flurry of messages from various people in the posse who were keen to share their own tips in terms of some of the little things that work for them in the daily battle to keep on the right path. So I thought it might be a useful idea to put a couple of those things out there – I’m really quick to poke fun at things that strike me as ridiculous, so it’ll make a nice change to actually promote some of the things that work for some of you guys. Kind of like a public service but without the accompanying photo of a smug string bean who wants everyone to know why she’s so fabulous.

I guess the toothpaste thing was rooted in the fact that when you have the taste of peppermint in your mouth, things you love taste different. Me, I love a nice cup of tea, but if I have a mouthful of morning tea when I’ve just surfaced and brushed my teeth it tastes like crap you know? Quite a few of your suggestions worked on the same principle. Unless you live alone and are incredibly disciplined when you’re doing the supermarket run it’s not always possible to avoid having naughties in the house so any coping strategy is worth a try, right?

One of the notes I got was from a lady (hi Suzanne 🙂 ) who found it really hard not to binge on her daughter’s creamy yoghurts after she’d put kids to bed – until that is, she mixed a teaspoon of vinegar into one of the little pots and forced herself to eat the whole thing. Now when she thinks about that yoghurt, the raspberry and vinegar combo is what she tastes in her mind and given that it was disgusting, no more craving yoghurt and no more binges. Simple, but brilliant.

Pat (hi Pat 🙂 ) said she stomped all over her craving for fish and chips which regularly made the wheels come off her diet by putting them on a plate and putting the plate in the fridge until they’d gone clap cold and were really greasy with congealed fat, and then taking a few mouthfuls – she said they tasted rank, she could feel the cold grease sticking to the roof of her mouth and she’s never fancied fish and chips since.

Changing the memory of the way something tastes in your mind seems to be something that works well. It’s definitely filed away in my ‘useful things to know’ drawer although for me, depending what’s driving my binge it’s often not the taste as much as the need to just eat something and often anything.

I’ll chuck another one into the mix if I may…one of the things that my hookie spooky magic lady encouraged me to do when I was being taunted by the asshole in my mind and fighting the urge to binge, was to write down four things.

The first one, what was the asshole in my mind telling me to do right in that moment? His ‘pitch‘ you know? How was he selling it?

The second one, what about someone who really loved me, cared about me, wanted the best for me. What would they advise me to do in this moment?

Thirdly, someone I really looked up to, who I perceived as having it all figured out, in control of their life…someone I wanted to be like…what would they do? How would they act in that situation? (I picked Davina McCall – might seem a bit random but she’s had addiction issues of her own, way in the past now, and that girl really knows how to dig deep. I adore her – she’s faced down her own asshole and totally blown him out).

She told me to then re-read those three things, before writing down the fourth thing, which is what I decided to do, after weighing up all the advice, considering the options and understanding the consequences of each. Write down my decision, good or bad with the reason why…and own it.

It might work for you, or it might not. For me it has, once or twice but I didn’t do it enough times to really embed it as a strategy. But either way, it was interesting to look back after the event and look objectively at what was going on in my head at the time because generally you forget, when the moment has passed.

Anything’s worth a shot out there on the battlefield, right?

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Skinny on Purpose

Freeform thoughts, In the here & now, , ,

bulb

I can’t remember which blog post it was, but a few days ago I alluded to some of the homework I’d done when I was seeing my hookie spooky magic lady, and it prompted me to look back through some of the sessions we did and the reflections she always encouraged me to write down afterwards.  I was fairly self-aware even before I started talking to her, but I genuinely had some real light-bulb moments during the times that we sat and chatted back and forth about…well, stuff.

One of the biggest revelations to me was that skinny people weren’t generally skinny by accident. I mean yes of course you always get the odd smug string bean here and there who takes great delight in telling you that they can eat what they like without putting on a pound…I don’t know about you but I always want to enquire whether they’d like to chew on my fist, that being the case. But generally skinny people are skinny because they choose to be skinny.

Which basically means that if they eat out in a restaurant, they might look at the menu (just like I do), and immediately start salivating over the calorie-tastic menu options (just like I do) but after mentally calculating how many calories are in the dish they most like the look of (I don’t do that) they decide against it in favour of a skinny girl option (I don’t do that either 🙁 ). Up to that point, I hadn’t given much thought to how the mind of a skinny person operated, because even at the points in my life where I qualified as a string bean, I wasn’t there long enough to really settle into the mindset of being a skinny person.

I mean yes, for swathes of my life I’ve been in the sweet spot and almost evangelical about the food choices I made because I was on my way down the sizes, but in terms of it just being something I did naturally, unbidden when I wasn’t actually on a diet…no. It would never have even occurred to me to participate in such madness.

It was a revelation, genuinely a light switching on in my head. It made me accept that I had to be accountable for my choices, be they good or bad you know? Every choice has consequences and being a grown up means understanding and accepting the consequences before you make the choice. I could no longer bemoan the fact that I put weight on easily when all these people *sweeping motion of fat arm* could eat what they liked without getting fat. The light bulb switching on made me realise that the reason they didn’t get fat was because making the choice to be skinny was a constant in their life where it never had been in mine. Who knew!

I’d love to say that following that realisation I immediately started making all the right choices and from there it’s been plain sailing…of course it hasn’t.  I’ve talked a lot over the last few weeks about finding the sweet spot, and if you’re not there, you’re not there. Knowledge doesn’t even come close to equalling power if your head’s not in the right place. Ask any fat girl about the theory of losing weight and they can almost certainly reel off more info than your average skinny string bean expert. Putting it into practise is something entirely different though mm?

But I’m there now. I’m making those choices now. And per my BHAG, when I arrive into skinny town, instead of throwing caution to the wind, I’m going to carry on making grown-up-accept-the-consequences skinny choices, because now I get it. I know have to.

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