So we’re getting to know each other a little bit now, right? I think it’s probably about time I introduced you to the asshole who lives inside my head. Think of it like I’m inviting you home to meet the folks. Now, I don’t think this is unique to me – I suspect not, I think perhaps everyone has a member of his extended family who muscles in on their thought process from time to time – but my guy has a black belt in mind games and he’s pretty much carved out a permanent home in a corner of my head. He doesn’t really have a name, so I just call him Asshole.
Now you might think that’s a bit rude, but it’s a name that suits him. The first dictionary I looked at defines the word ‘asshole’ as ‘a stupid, mean or contemptible person’ and I’ve gotta be honest, it suits him perfectly. Occasionally he’s thrown me the odd crumb of a compliment but knowing him as I do it’s nothing more than reverse psychology…he’s clever like that. Strangely, since I named him, it’s been easier to separate his voice from my own, and I’m here to tell you that’s been a big help. Strangely enough he’s been very quiet over the last couple of weeks – I suspect he’s just observing these blog shenanigans from the sidelines and lulling me into a false sense of security until he’s decided on a strategy.
His is the voice I hear when one of my insecurities bubbles near to the surface. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a fairly confident person and I’m very comfortable around people, but when he spots a loose thread he’s in there like a ninja, grabbing every opportunity to blow a big hole in my self esteem. His words are like barbed wire. ‘You look really fat in that’. ‘Yeh your hair looks ok but OMG who’s gonna look at your hair with so many chins clamouring for attention’. ‘I don’t know why you’re even bothering to look at the new winter collection, you’re going to look like a sack of spanners in whatever you put on anyway’…you get the gist. ‘Did you see the way that skinny woman looked at you when she walked past? You’ve probably put her off hob nobs for life’.
And he’s armed with a thousand ways to poke holes in my willpower. His was the handiwork you saw first hand when I poked fun at the suggestion that booking a block of gym classes would keep me motivated. He’s the absolute daddy when it comes to talking me into something I shouldn’t do, and talking me out of doing something I should. He tries his best to derail me whenever I’m motoring down the right track, and his impressive success rate over the years has turned him into a right smug little bastard.
He HATES it when I find the sweet spot. That place where I am right now makes it much harder for him to get at my willpower but he still walks beside me wherever I go, looking for his window of opportunity…I might be on top of things just now but I feel him, waiting. He’ll focus his energy on my mood as a back door entry to my willpower because that’s worked well for him in the past.
I’m happy to report that for now, that door is locked and bolted.
I’ve recently found your blog and am busy reading through each entry. I recognise each of your thoughts and experiences and it’s like you are living my life!!!
However, unlike you, I recently cancelled a cruise because I never lost the weight I planned on losing in the eight months since I booked it … There was no way I was going to spend a miserable time cruising around the Med feeling like a total failure and not enjoying it, so I’ve promised myself a cruise will be my “reward” for when I get to a more comfortable weight.
And don’t get me started about the humiliating helicopter ride I once took with a group of my work colleagues; my face burns every time I think of it 🙁
Hello, and welcome to the posse! I’m glad you’re enjoying it so far, and you’re finding it easy to relate…I promise you there are so many of us here who are all in the same boat. It’s a big boat! Much later down the line I wrote a blog post called ‘waiting to be skinny’ which was broadly about that very thing, so you’ll probably smile to yourself about that one too…through gritted teeth! We’re a lovely friendly bunch, and I look forward to your thoughts and perspectives on our chit chat as you work your way through playing catch up. Great to have you on board 🙂